Sunday, February 15, 2009
My last blog about life consisted information about me turning eighteen and moving out... It was quite an adventure. Since I moved in with roommates It's been hard. They are awesome, and laid back. I live with three Indian guys, Jonas, and a young girl named Debra. I feel much more comfortable with them than I did with Frankie and his stupid family. It was wrong what they did, and I hope God blesses them (Or shows them a lesson, If you can see through my words)
I stay home all day, which isn't too great, and I think too much which gets me into trouble with myself.. I really can't wait for God to show me something even greater than this... Also Shane is back. He wants a relationship again, but I can't, and you all know why. Of course I miss him, and still love him, but the other girl can have him back and get hurt. She'll learn.
I really need to go back to school, once the financial goes through, I'm most likely going to Roseville Dental Academy for a few weeks to become a dental assistant. The pay is great, and I could start working towards a career while going to school. Who knows what the future holds. When I say that. I really don't have a clue.
Let me begin by saying that this is going to be a rant, my true thoughts, and it might make you angry. I will not point fingers, but I'll just use everyone as a whole society, no harsh feelings.
For the past few days.. I have been watching myspacers. I've looked at profiles, heard the way they talk, and read the words they've typed. One of my pet peeves is someone who contacts me like this: "Oh ma gawd, Ay luv yer profile sowng. It's aamzing!" I don't even answer these anymore... From what I've looked upon... Is straight conformity. Everyone wants to be a masterpiece who shines beyond anything you've ever seen."I'm Bob, and know what, you won't understand who I am until you get to know me. I'm special" By doing that you're trying to be like the rest of the humans out there and find your place in this world. That's fine, everyone needs to find their place... But lay off how special and different you are. If you really think you are different what makes you different? Prove it. Do you do anything different? Listen to different music, what separates you from the crowd? I do know a few people who have found out who they truly are and have looked past the comfort zone of humanity. Those people are honorable, and I salute them. Are you just another sixteen year old who listens to rap and takes cute funny pictures with your "friends" (Just so people can comment a picture of your face that's the same pose, same hair, same person?) There are an awful lot of those going around. If you are, I don't care. Just quit acting like you're something special, because it's annoying. Am I critical of people? Yes. It's the same people everyday that make the world boring. Those are the people who conform to the mass media of their country.
Am I special? It doesn't matter, I know I'm not following the crowd.
The Adventure of Turning Eighteen
It happened. Such few years that seemed numerous pasted... And I finally gained my freedom.
When I say freedom I mean that I get a sense of dignity... My mother is not responsible for me and cannot hold me back from my true potential and aspirations. I can step up without getting punished. And really, the things that people do to you when you're underage get ridiculous. I shouldn't have to let someone scream in my face or tell me horrible things about myself and have to deal with it. I get to live life under my terms and not have to pay the price for my parents past sins and actions. I don't have to grieve anymore due to the unfairness the world has dealt me. Now, and for the rest of my life, it's my choice, my responsibility, and consequences. I've always been a person to judge myself and to know when i've made a mistake. I've graduated high school and am moving on to wonderful things for my life. I want to be that person I dreamed of when I was fifteen. At that age I had a fire, a passion to excel, to escape and run away to accomplish my dreams. But over the next few years, that passion died through certain events in life.
I almost abandoned the fellowship of the church because of a few judgmental people who didn't have a love walk. I had friends change on me, which was difficult for me. I've had many people leave me completely, but It was an alternative for the people I loved to morph before my eyes into creatures I couldn't recognize, but then some turned into just another new amazing person... The biggest thing that happened, was I had my first love.
Shane Crothers. I don't think I could ask for a more perfect peace in the world. I got to taste the love that I had dreamt of when I was a little girl, I met the man that I thought never existed. It's been eleven months since we broke up, and I still love him. True love just never dies. When I hear one of our old songs, I close my eyes, and almost always cry because I replay the most dear moments I ever had with him. Too bad we tore each apart and I didn't realize what we were doing to each other. If you ever read this Shane, I'm sorry... Still, what you did to me was wrong, but that's another story...
At 6:00 in the morning Jonas and I went to San Fran for the day. We went to the Aquarium and ate at Choppinos for lunch. I wanted to go the zoo but we'd got lost so many times, we decided not even to try. The last stop was Chinatown for some baked bow. When we got home Jonas had to go to work.. A few hours later it hit the fan. Mom freaked out. I asked her not to scream at me and I wasn't going to let her yell at me anymore. I could see she knew she had lost the grip she had since I was little, and she couldn't do anything to me anymore. She gave me the choice: Leave or stay in my authority. I left.
It was either Jonas and I stayed at a hotel or we went to my friends Grants house where I spent the day. On Christmas eve and Christmas day I was homeless, but no one knew. Jonas "friend" called him and invited us to stay at his house in Antelope with his family. It turned out to be a disaster because the only reason he let us live there is because he wanted Jonas to end up with his eighteen year old daughter. Frankie, the owner of the house, kicked us out in the rain with nowhere to go early in the morning a week later. Jonas received a call at work a few hours later saying that he could come back and live there free, if he dumped me off and got with his daughter. Ha Ha, Jonas was pissed and blocked his number. That's Jonas, he's so sweet but eats nails for breakfast. After that, we stayed at a hotel one night and I spent the day with my dad in Carmichael.
The next day I moved into my Aunt Daynas for a few days. It wasn't good. I ended up almost beating the crap out of cousin Lindsay's' big dumb indian boyfriend because he's been calling her vile names, selling drugs, smoking pot, and not taking care of his kid while living rent free in my great grandmothers house when he's not part of our family. The next day I had my cousin on the floor choking because she pushed me and tried to pull my lip ring out. This was all because my aunt and I couldn't get her vicadin (Which i'm 100% sure she was going to sell anyway) and I wouldn't let her talk to my aunt while she was driving. Bull-crap right? Wasn't good, wasn't fair, and moved out once again. I've been getting close to that side of my family lately, which I like.
I put an ad on craigslist, and had many calls about a place to stay. I prayed that God would lead me to the right place, also known as anti-crazy, peaceful, and not a hellhole. I got a call from a guy named Veer who owns a five bedroom house in Fiddyment Farm, Roseville. It was 450 rent with no deposit, I went and met with Veer and his girlfriend. We all hit it off right away and knew it was perfect for both of us. I'm not living in one of the nicest peaceful houses with great roomates... And honestly? This is only the beginning.
Who I Am
My first blog, on blogger.com... Exciting. I'm just learning how to use this site. I usually blog on myspace.com, I'm a frequent blogger and have over a hundred blogs. I'll post some of the recent ones, but not so much ones from a few years ago. I'm just not satisfied by how many people will actually read your blogs and comment them on Myspace. It's a rarity.
The section below is a rundown of who I am, what I like and dislike, and my experience in life as an eighteen year old girl in California. It's not structured, but just thrown together.
My name is Holly. Who is this Holly? I'm a follower of Jesus. I'm a black belt in Isshin-Ryu Karate. I go to Abundant Life Fellowship Church. I've read 3/4th of the bible. My favorite book in the bible is either Song of Solomon or Daniel. I'm the survivor of drug and domestic abuse. I grew up without a father. I'd pay a million dollars to be 18. I have the heart of a poet. My favorite poet is Christopher Marlowe. I hate reading teenage angst. I come to worship as I am. I have an old soul. I believe that love is giving someone every chance to hurt you but trusting that they won't. I believe in the yo-yo effect, letting go in order for something to come back. I love EuroTrance and Country above all other genres. I love christian rock and some clean secular rock/metal. I wish I could have been in a 80's hair band. I played 1st Chair Clarinet for 2 years. I'm extremely intellectual. I hate high school. I hate immature people. I'd rather be around a complete jerk than someone annoying. All my friends are big guys with pick-up trucks. My grandfather was from Oklahoma and my grandmother from Topeka Kansas. My great grandparents came from Ireland. I take pride in myself. My family is full of women, that's probably why all my friends are guys. I love fishing and want to go soon. I love camping in Calaveras County and boating in Alpine Lake. I think UFC and Mixed Martial Arts are lame, you should devote yourself to one style for your life to become a master. Tattoos tell your life-stories. Tattoos are amazing. I think skinny guys are ultra unattractive, I'm a chubby chaser. I think people who try to hold serious relationships with people they don't know on myspace need to find reality. I think flirting is a turn-off. The most attractive thing in a guy is his soul. If a man cry's when he worships, he has my attention. I love home school. I take lots of pictures. Mostly of myself, not because I think i'm anything, but because I'm my own model. I love driving around and going random places with my friends. I thought I'd found my soul mate once in my life. I find that love is inevitable. I've learned that you can love someone with your whole heart but at any moment they can walk away. I'm insecure. I'm crazy. I'm the most jealous person you will ever meet in your life, but I probably know more secrets than a catholic priest. I think I'm pretty but not beautiful. I'm a hippie child. I hate 95% of all meat. I call the fat part of chicken the rubber part. I'm all about emotion when it comes to people and usually not thinking. I have mood swings. I love Energy drinks and trance while cleaning the house. I have athsma and hate the way inhalers taste. I've broken my right hand. I can type 90 words per minute on the keyboard. I love old school gameboy and computer games. I'm unique and have been told I truly am unique.